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A wonderful public holiday weekend in Sydney! Well, as wonderful as you can get with two kids, who are going through an incredibly irritating stage of constantly bickering with each other and shouting “Muuuuum” every forty seconds.  Having said that, we are aware that this would be far more irritating if we weren’t living in Sydney. This city has everything you could ever wish for. A modern, vibrant, beautiful, beachy city, which makes for an awesome place to spend a long weekend entertaining even the most dysfunctional family!

The weekend started off well. Me in our local pub with some other Poms downing drinks, listening to a pretty cool band called 7 Days duo. I thought I had grown up a bit and knew how to handle my drink. Turns out I was very, very drunk, I stumbled on and off the courtesy bus (free ride home *WIN),  fell through the front door, slumped in to bed, headbutted Tim and then proceeded to whimper for about 12 hours, feeling terrible, hugging the loo. This kind of ruined our plans to road trip it up to Byron Bay for a few days. *Sorry gang!!!

About 2pm on Saturday, I dragged my sorry self out of bed, the world spinning, made myself a berocca and tried to man up a bit. We decided to head into the city for some dinner and another look at Vivid. We were pretty lucky and managed to grab a last minute table at Jamies Italian .

Dinner out for us always seems to be such a bloody nightmare. We had to wait ages for our table to be ready, so we bribed the starving, tired kids with a glass of lemonade and some polenta chips at the bar. *Epic move…. No….. This only made things worse. The sugar went straight to Monty’s head and he started tripping up waiters, blowing raspberries at passers by, and was generally cruising for a bruising. So, the 45 minute wait for a table, all 4 of us perched on high stools, felt like an age, and by the time the waiter showed us to our seats we all hated each other. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t still too ill to have a glass of wine to ease the stress levels. . Good start to the evening.

We got the ordering over and done with fairly easily as there’s not a chicken nugget to be seen. Why is it that children will happily eat a “gonad burger” in a fast food restaurant, but offer them a healthy meal and they look at you as if you really have served up two gonads with a side salad.  It’s a mystery!  We awaited our yummy delights, both children holding i phones, faces glowing in the light, grunting at our sporadic attempts at conversation.

Our delicious dinner was gobbled in about 70 seconds, as Monty had finished his spaghetti, was bored, and about to blow. (I told you eating out was a joy). He had got to the point of being over tired, restless, and needed to be walked. Yes, he is like a puppy. We made our exit down the stairs,  Monty had a mini tantrum at the top, the whole restaurant stared, I waved and we went on our merry way.

We walked to Circular Quay with the intention of viewing the lights of Vivid at the Opera House and the Royal Botanical Gardens, but Poppy was right when she said there were “a gazillion” people.  We decided a week night may be a better option so we pushed and shoved our way back to the train, with the children yelling out for glow sticks, and light up crappy wands, Monty well and truly livid in the buggy!

Sunday was a much better day, just the fact that I had almost completely recovered from Friday nights antics was enough to make me smile…  We packed up a picnic, threw the scooters in the boot, strapped the kids into the car and headed to North Sydney. We went to North Head Sanctuary . The Memorial Walk is very special, it honours those who have served and supported the defence of Australia in peace or in war.  The paved pathway links five monuments erected to remember the major conflict periods in Australia’s history. I would have perused these monuments in more detail, if it had not been for the ankle biters kicking each other.  In typical Wilson fashion Monty was upset because he couldn’t ride his scooter on the path (disrespectful little rat), and Poppy was away with the fairies, pushing her dolly pram, with dolly, blankets, baby bottles, nappies…. Every time she bumped over a stone the whole lot would fall out and we’d have to wait for her to pile it all back in, with tears welling up in her eyes (do you think its hormones?). To say this was frustrating is an understatement. What should have been a ten minute, peaceful walk, took 45 minutes, and I lost count of how many times I swore under my breath. We followed the path to the end, and took the short diversion to look out over Sydney Harbour from the  Fairfax Lookout. This is the most beautiful view, even with Monty burping his alphabet in the background.
  

  
 

  We even spied some Whales, way out in the distance. Guess who forgot the binoculars though…? Timmmmmmm.
  

We finished the morning off with Monty ensuring all other visitors had seen the sign, and were sure to check under their cars for Bandicoots before squashing them “DEAD”. If anyone needs a warden, Monty’s your guy!  We then made our way to the grass with our delicious picnic. Monty bypassed the sandwiches and fruit, and just ate popcorn. He insisted on dipping his licked finger in the salt over and over again, much to my despair. This backfired, as he was then incredibly thirsty, drank about a litre of water, and had to do several emergency wees in the back of the car, into my take away hot chocolate cup. Poppy obviously finds this “GROOOOOOOSSSSSS” and “EWWWWWW’, Monty isn’t in the least bit worried about peeing into a cup or the chocolate dust stuck to his nether regions.

Next stop:

Bower Lane-This beautiful little lane leads to Cabbage Tree Bay, where the locals drink coffee while the sea glistens like a huge blue gemstone. There are wonderful dreamy rock pools, filled with sea treasure for the children to discover, and a great walk down Marine Parade to Shelly beach. We diverted via Bower Street (due to storm damage on the parade), a nice (steep) walk, past lots of expensive hillside properties with stunning ocean views…*Not at all jealous. The unfortunate diversion was actually worth it for the swings on the way, the torture the children experienced walking so far, and the magical steps down to Shelly beach, through the trees and over the stream.

   
Bower Street Park

  

The Boat House Shelly Beach
This beautiful hidden gem is well worth a visit (without OUR children)! Whether you’re dining there at lunchtime with all the cool cats or popping in for a delicious Pure Pops Icy Pole and lashings of Parkers Ginger Beer, you must find a way to get to The Boat House!

It’s full of very glam looking “super mums” (with very glitzy looking kids) , young trendy couples, older trendy folk…. Just a very funky place to be… and then we turned up. Monty had a huge dirty stick, no shoes, only socks, and mud on his knees… Poppy was flopping about, swinging her arms, “dying of hunger and thirst” (although all she ordered was a chocolate milkshake.. Go figure..)  and Tim was losing the will to live. We ordered at the hole in the wall, the sweet peonies bursting out of the vase, and we took our treats out onto the beach so as not to cause too much disruption.

  

The food in The Boat House looked immense, although I was delighted not to have ordered fish and chips to go, as the “Acro Yoga” bunnies were out in force… Not a  great spectators sport when you’re covered in tartare sauce and suffering with the inevitable F&C heartburn. Tim did suggest we take up Acro Yoga, until I explained what he’d have to do. Think he’s happy to leave it to the experts for now. *Phew

After a long trip home, a few arguments about us not stopping for kinder eggs, and some fun traffic jams, we shoved the children in their beds, and sat down to gorge on chocolate. Hey, it’s Sunday, its the Queens birthday weekend, another family day tomorrow, and I still have the hangover munchies. Still loving the adventure…Tim cant wait to get back to work Tuesday!

 

I was at the park last week when I overheard a gaggle of mums talking about family holidays. I am such a terrible eaves dropper!! It’s a talent of mine. Tim and I go for a meal together and by the time we leave the restaurant I know all about the lives of the surrounding customers!  This particular conversation in the park had me hooked! (So much so, I missed Monty careering down the slide and face planting into the sand!). Epic parenting!

These four mums were talking about the horrors of family holidays. “Oh I won’t go anywhere that involves a plane journey”, “you have no idea the hell that Jasper created on the last plane journey”, “I don’t enjoy holiday’s away with the kids” (OMG), “we’d rather holiday without them”,(double OMG)  “the kids won’t remember the trip anyway!”, (OMG I give up) “I can’t deal with the packing, or the washing”, “my kids just won’t eat anything when we’re away”. It went on and on and on. I was tempted to butt in and try to convince them they needed to try again, then I thought better of it. I couldn’t listen any more!

We travel a lot with our two. Not because we are smartee pants, or because our children are delightful little creatures (far from it), we travel because we love it and we want our children to grow up loving it too!  Yes we get stressed, yes it’s hard work, yes I sometimes wish we’d left them at home.

They both turn into little assholes when they’re tired, Monty gets violent and Poppy sobs , so imagine that combination long haul! They aren’t great at trying new food, so we bribe them! We don’t make them eat tarantula gonads or anything but we do insist they eat at least a small bowl of rice before gorging on cookies. We make them say please and thank you in the local language, they just want to learn to say toilet or bum!! Monty particularly loved that the Thai currency was ‘Baht’ because it rhymes with fart! He could quite often be heard asking in the market how many “farty bahts for that?”  These are the things that make our holidays so memorable, these are the things we laugh about for weeks, months, years! Tragic I know!

 I think one of the most awesome things about having a family is being able to go on holiday with them. No time restrictions, no work, no set bed times, ice creams after (or before) every meal, lemonade with a straw, buying loads of tat. Whether the children remember the adventure or appreciate the cost is irrelevant. It’s what they experience that makes them who they are, the sounds, the smells, the different faces they smile at, the many places they can have tantrums. It all goes towards making them the adult they will become. I’m not trying to convince anyone to spend an absolute fortune on flights around the world or to spend a year volunteering in The Gambia, Skegness for a week is just as awesome when you’re little.

Some of the best memories I have of childhood holidays are parking the car on the beach in Wales, on freezing cold days when the sand was whipping against our legs, insisting that mum and dad swim in the sea with us, when actually they just wanted to sit in the car with the heaters on, eating sandy sandwiches. Or staying on a farm, (again freezing cold) and being woken at 5am to milk the cows with the farmer. My brother and I just found the cow poo hysterical.

  
 We had awesome holidays and every one of them has a funny story that helps keep them firmly engraved in my memory!

Hong Kong- being dragged around temple after temple and all that kept me going (and kept making dads blood pressure soar) was my brother pretending to trip through every single doorway. (No recollection of history or facts)

Wales- mum literally riding her bike up the back of my leg because she had no idea how to use the brakes. I had tyre marks imprinted on my calf for months. (No recollection of exact location or year)

Denmark- a family friends child entering Lego land before it was even open! We just saw him scaling the fence and he was in, while we all looked on in horror, no, amazement!!! What a legend! (No memory of anything else Denmark had to offer).

You see, all these silly memories are the ones that still make me smile today.  I don’t remember the historical facts of the leaning tower of Pisa, but I’ve been up it. I don’t think I’d be very good on the slopes now but I was an awesome little skier when I was young.

My parents worked hard, so that we could play hard, and so that my brother and I had these opportunities to spend time with them, to enjoy family time somewhere different, to show us there were great things out there in the big wide world.

 I think this is where I caught the travel bug, and why I so desperately love exploring with my children.  I can’t wait to talk to my “teenage” children and about their hazy holiday memories, about daddy getting a holiday injury on the waterslide in Norway, or swimming with baby Sharks off the Similan Islands or watching Monty scream in terror at the Geysers in Iceland.  No matter what they remember, no matter how much they forget, like many things in life  it’s the taking part that counts.

If we don’t holiday with our children no one else will do it for us, if we don’t make them eat the sandy ice cream because we “bloody paid for it” no one else will, and if we don’t spend these work free hours exploring someplace new with them, we’ll regret it.

   
So buy a ticket for a train or a plane and show your children what’s out there, show them you enjoy their company (even if they are getting right on your wick), and if; God forbid it happens to pee with rain, the retro photos will be worth it!!

* Note to reader; nothing I write will do this country or its people, the justice it so deserves. Pack your bags, get on a plane and see for yourself!

Landing at Cambodia International airport was like landing in a private airstrip at the back of a beautiful Cambodian villa. We stumbled down the aeroplane steps, hollering at Monty to “keep walking” and telling Poppy “look where you’re going” , the heat hitting us like a train! It was about 38 degrees and really humid. I just love that first gulp of air in a new country, especially after a short flight on which the children have slept! *high five

The beautifully air conditioned arrivals hall looks brand new, shiny marble floors, beautiful teak tables for filling out your visa forms, and apart from my little darlings bickering it was peaceful. Nothing like arrivals at Sydney.

We dutifully filled out our visa applications, handed them over with our two extra passport photos and a wad of cash. A guy behind the counter spotted us and ushered Tim further forward. Pointing at me and the children he hollered “this your family?” (My heart sunk! Has Monty just peed on a shrine without me noticing??), Tim nodded and we had our passports taken off us and were whisked through to baggage collection and told to wait. Brucey bonus, we missed all the queues! We pointed and laughed at everyone else waiting in line and the children bickered some more while all our paperwork was sorted for us. We collected our bag, as the man scurried over with our passports. He looked at Tim’s wallet and said “tip”,  so we handed him a dollar and he skipped away, happy as a pig in mud! So, anyone travelling to Cambodia, fan yourself with your cash in the airport and hope that same little guy spots you!

The sliding doors parted and we were greeted by a beautiful, happy man who was waiting to drive us to our hotel. And what a drive it was. I have never been anywhere like Cambodia. The scenery, the smells, the people, the noise, everything about it felt magical to me. Within an hour of landing I was in love and just knew this was going to be a very special place.

Monty spent about ten minutes of the journey yelling “bleugh I’m gonna be sick” and “muuuuuum my nose is bleedin'”, but nothing was distracting me from this beautiful place. It takes about twenty minutes to get to our hotel (Mulberry Boutique Hotel ), which was like an oasis, a beautiful gem up a tiny alley way, hidden from the hustle and bustle of central Siem Reap. It was only 8am when we arrived, we obviously looked exhausted, as the beautiful lady on reception showed us straight to breakfast. Ahhhh coco pops! Anything to fill their mouths right now!!  Tim and I went straight for the pad Thai, no regrets at all. Just look at it.

We managed to squeeze in a lot over the four days. Once we’d gorged on brekkie and had a swim, we headed into town.

The hustle and bustle was incredible. Every little shop like an aladdins cave, everyone shouting “hey boy” , desperate for a reaction from Monty. They didn’t get one!  The centre itself is easily walkable if, unlike Poppy, you look where you’re walking. We stood out like a sore thumb with Monty asleep and sweating buckets in the buggy, (giant British child) Poppy with a black eye (poolside mishap) and me trying to negotiate pot holes and Tuk Tuks without waking the snoozer. Safe to say the children have learnt the word “shit” this holiday. Monty even says it in the right context. #makesmeproud

We arranged for Mr Snar from the hotel to take us to the Butterfly Farm in his Tuk Tuk. This  was an astonishing journey, through rice fields, past road side dwellings with hammocks filled full of folk resting in the heat or mothers fanning their babies. There were chickens & dogs, huge pots bubbling on fires, lady’s selling fresh coconuts and piles of mangoes. There were school children riding their bikes to school alongside air conditioned mini buses full of tourists. And there we were, in our Tuk Tuk, us 4,  the wind like a hairdryer blowing in our faces, hurtling through this enchanting land.

After an hour we arrived at the farm. Our guide came to greet us, and took us through the mesh gate into butterfly heaven. The children were mesmerised. A huge black and silver beauty landed on my hand and crawled up my arm, the children’s eyes were like saucers. Our lovely guide was incredibly patient as Monty took 47 photos of each caterpillar, cocoon and the mating couple on the fence! For children who love ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ you must visit. The conservation work they are doing is unimaginable out there in the sticks.

Day 3 was an early start and the only day we didn’t wake to the sound of the local school children chanting their work. (What a beautiful sound, I can still hear it now if I really try). We drove hell for leather in Mr Snar’s Tuk Tuk through the darkness to catch sight of sunrise over Angkor Wat. What a sight it was. I have never been anywhere so awesome, so ethereal, just so utterly spectacular.

Monty and Poppy were elated to be at the real Temple Run temple, (that’s how we kept them amused) and Monty spent all day asking where the Vulture Monkeys were. We nailed 4 temples in 7 hours, with a couple of pit stops to meet Mr Snar’s friends, who just happened to sell coffee in their tent and had a relatively smart bathroom. *Always go for a can of sprite rather than the coffee. This is by no means meant in a rude way, these are beautiful people, they just don’t make good coffee.

After 7 hours of incredible temple hunting, and watching big fat tourists ride exhausted elephants we made our way back into town. The hotel pool was more inviting than ever before. Gosh Cambodia was hot!

The next day  we managed to squeeze in a visit to the Cambodian Cultural Village, where we witnessed a traditional wedding ceremony with sighs and groans from two bored sweaty children, and a few shorter performances of crazy acrobatics, traditional dancing and some seriously bendy ladies.

There was a “museum” which was just 2 rooms. Room 1 was filled with terrifying stuffed animals; tigers, hog badgers, lizards, all with odd facial expressions and a little bit scruffy looking. Room 2 was  even more creepy; Cambodian wax works of people through the ages whose eyes followed you as you walked. This made Poppy cry, trip up and then have a sweaty melt down. We took the children outside to calm down and were confronted by a big chubby man running towards us, arm stretched out snapping photos randomly. We later found these photos of our shocked faces, (Poppy rather snotty and still snivelling) on little plates for us to purchase. I blatantly wanted one, Tim put his foot down .

  

Cambodia we genuinely love you. We ate delicious food, had wonderful massages, had exciting tuk tuk rides, made lovely friends and saw sights we couldn’t have dreamt of. All that and we didn’t get eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Note to travellers:

*Eat great ice cream whilst lying on a bed, skyping your friends at Blue Pumpkin

* For pizza and beer when you really need that fix, go to Belmiro’s on street 7!

*if you send your laundry to be done in Siem Reap, choose a laundry off the main road, otherwise your undies are on display for everyone to see! “Aren’t those your knickers mum!”

Title: “Good luck for you & good luck for me!” This was said to us time and time again in Cambodia💖

There’s nothing easy about travelling with children! Just going to do the school run is fraught enough, let alone 6 flights in two weeks! Here goes nothing! 

We have just taken off from Kuala Lumpar where we had an awesome time! We managed to squeeze in quite a bit over three days and we’re all pretty exhausted! Monty is currently catching flies in seat 23E! 

KL was about 43 degrees and really humid! I can honestly say I’m not sure I have ever sweat so much! (Note to self : cancel gym membership!) The humidity always puts me a little on edge as it tends to make monty’s nose bleed, but hurrah I still have a full loo roll in my bag! 

On the morning of day 1, Tim surprised us all and told us we were being collected at 10am and being whisked off to the local water park! The children jumped for joy, I sort of sighed! For those of you that don’t know, I am claustrophobic and it’s getting worse as I get older! The thought of one of those tube slides fills me with dread! I can already hear the children shouting “mummy’s a chicken, mummy’s a chicken”! 

We drive hell for leather in the hotel mini bus out to  Desa Water Park. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it wasn’t exactly as I had imagined! We turned into the car park, bunny hopped through the pot holes and bumped through grassy ditches to a hut where we were greeted by a lady who looked like a member of the special forces! She must have done some kind of training as she had managed to use an upside down plastic garden chair to secure her table fan to the wall! She looked at our passes and pulled the string to open the barrier! 

The waterpark can only be described as looking like one of those spooky abandoned theme parks! That is no understatement ! If you have issues about E. coli, typhoid, D&V or any “cleanliness” related illnesses, this is not the place for you! Having said that, none of us were sick. ( Wretching  at the state of the bathrooms doesn’t count as sick does it? )  

  I don’t know what it is about my kids and water! They forget themselves and start ripping at their clothes before we can get into the changing room! Not that it really matters as we were literally the only people in the whole place, apart from the 4 lifeguards sheltering in the shade.  

 There were 4 or 5 different pools, the slides looked like they could disintegrate at any moment! The ropes were all rotten and the lifeguards chairs had been eaten by Mother Nature! The lazy river was the laziest river you have ever been in! It took about 25 minutes to get around the “water factory” and past the man hosing bird shit off himself! The wave pool was pretty spectacular considering! Although Poppy did get washed to the far end on her rubber ring! This was only ten minutes after she had managed to get wedged in the ring, bottom sunk down and legs in the air! Safe to say we woke the life guards up as Tim skidded through the the sludge towards poppy as she screamed “HELP, heeeelp, I can’t breatheeee!”  

   
14:30 (pick up time) came around a lot faster than I thought it would! The children had thoroughly enjoyed the day, even with me shrieking ” close your mouth” and “don’t swallow any water ” closely followed by “spit, spit, spit!” I don’t know why I was insisting they didn’t drink the water, especially as 10 minutes later they were gorging on luminous orange cheesy hoops and bright yellow lemonade!?!?

All in all a successful day of sheer bliss for the kids and an exceptional day of parenting! *high five! 

Day 2 was the sightseeing day! We couldn’t come all this way without visiting the Petronas twin towers! We hopped on the monorail, already sweating from the two minute walk from the beautifully air conditioned hotel! Three of us were excited to be above the street, screeching round corners! Poppy was whimpering, shaking and muttering “I don’t like heights, I don’t like heights”. This did not bode well for our trip up the highest twin buildings in the world! 

  The Petronas Towers are the sparkliest, shiniest most wonderful looking buildings! We saw them all lit up the night we arrived and it sent a shiver down my spine! You see these icons on the TV, it’s hard to believe we’re here! 

Once you have made it through the security checks at the towers, a hologram greets you to explain the tour and basically asks you to behave! Monty listened eagerly then slam dunked his sister into the couch! Oh Jesus! We cram into an elevator with ten other people in the green group and head for the 80 something floor! Poppy looks terrified so I try to lighten the mood by saying “gosh this is exciting! It’s just like Willy Wonkers Glass Elevator”, at which point Tim laughs and says “let’s hope it’s not going to shoot through the roof like in the story!” How does that man miss the point so regularly? Poppy is now heavy breathing and Monty (overtired) is growling while squashed up against some American woman’s backside. The doors opened and we finally got to see the view from the ‘Sky Bridge’, well, not until after the helpful guide told us that it’s not really attached, so it swings when it’s windy! Poppy nearly faints! 

The view is spectacular! “How did we end up here?” I think to myself! Kuala Lumpur is such a wonderful place. As I am daydreaming, Monty is being bollocked by Tim for climbing on the rails, right next to the bloody sign that says ‘do not climb on the bloody rails’, why do kids do that? Anyway he sees the playpark  down below and decides he’s had enough and it’s time to go! Monty likes to do what Monty likes to do, so he wasn’t best pleased that we were heading even higher up the towers! This led to a spectacular breakdown and the award for the worlds “highest” tantrum! Mummy needs a G&T. 

Tower done, awful family photo with superimposed fireworks purchased, and we had a sleeping Monty so we headed to the Batu Caves! 

Obviously when you travel with delightful children such as ours, they take in the wonders, they marvel at the majesty….. Oh no! If you were to ask mine about their visit to the caves they would tell you about the dead bird in the fountain and me screaming as a monkey launches itself at me to steal my shopping! Utter bastard! 

  
   

 We spent a couple of hours at the Batu Caves, even though the terrifying monkey assault had ruined monty’s afternoon! He did helpfully warn me that next time I should “kick them up the butt”. 

We found a sweet little cafe serving up fresh dosa and roti. Tim and I indulged while the children moaned and begged for more lemonade! It was a great spot for people watching. We had a right old laugh at the tourists trying to escape the flocks of hungry birds and at the scores of monkeys stealing people’s food. (Obviously when the rabid monkey was hurtling toward Monty and I, on a mission to steal my carrier bag, I was screaming for dear life and in no way at all did I find it funny).

So, we nailed the caves, no one contracted rabies and we made our way back on the air conditioned train, mostly in the ladies only carriage until we spotted the sign! 

After a very sweaty trip to the Central market and a walk round china town, Tim finally gave in to the screams of “I want I want” and spent a small fortune on a load of utter crap. So the children win again and we jump back on the monorail heading for the hotel bar! 

My only bit of advice to anyone travelling to a boiling hot country to sightsee, with two little darlings is: wing it, drink lots of wine and give them anything they want as soon as they want it! 

Next stop Cambodia! 

  

Our Sunday started so well. No major celebrities had passed away over night, (always puts a downer on my morning), Monty had only kicked me in the neck once, and the sun was shining. I knew deep down, today was going to be a good day.

At 8am, Tim found three rotten bananas in the fruit bowl and decided he was going to be all “super-dad’. He asked Monty to help him make some banana bread, however it wasn’t until the recipe told them to add butter that he realised we didn’t have any! I suggested extra virgin olive oil and he winced, so I directed him to the coconut oil. Much to my amazement he managed to get the quantity right and the banana bread was delish! Another proper parenting “whoop” and high five while the children devoured it.

I suggested we head off to Blaxland Park which is about 35 minutes drive from us, and according to Google was the most awesome park in Sydney! We did so well, we got everyone showered, teeth brushed; I know, right now you’re thinking S**T she got the kids washed and brushed their teeth!!? Yes I did, and all in under an hour and a half! *High five to me!

We shoved a couple of water bottles and some more rotten fruit into the backpack and headed out the door. Once Tim had forced Monty into his car seat, (knee in the chest job) we drove off with “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” being read to us by Eric Carle on volume 43, with shouts of “I CAAAAANT HEAR IT”. Oh good grief, what did I say about “a good day?”

Tim had put the wrong address in to the Sat Nav, (ok ok maybe you hadn’t), so 15 minutes into the journey we were on the verge of divorce. “Why do you speak to me like I’m four?” “I wasn’t, you were talking to me like I was 4!”. You know the one!! The children were sat in the back looking at us in role reversal. I was expecting one of them to tell us to “simmer down” at any minute.

Once the route was properly established (I cleverly put in the correct address), and divorce was off the cards, we changed the CD and all happily sang along to “tie me kangaroo down sport” and “my boomerang wont come back”…. When in Oz!!

Blaxland park is strategically placed adjacent to the prison. This worked in our favour. As we drove up, we pointed out the high fences, barbed wire and security cameras, told the children what sort of naughty buggers were in there, and warned them that’s where they’d be if they misbehaved in the park.. Jesus, they stuck by us like sardines…. Until they saw the splash zone, then all hell broke loose.

There were socks flying in all directions, undies being shoved in my back pocket, the rucksack was nearly torn to shreds as they looked for their cozzies. I was trying my hardest to slap sun-cream on them before they legged it, which meant they weren’t only sun safe, they also looked like grass monsters. Monty even had some rubbish and a little possum dropping stuck to his leg from when he’d tried to escape my slippery grip.

*Super Parenting Tip: Always do sunscreen while naked before leaving the house. (FYI you don’t need to be naked to apply someones sunscreen).

The park was rammed. Kids flying all over the place. Some laughing, a few crying,  quite a lot more looking completely terrified as they had blatantly lost their parents.

Blaxland is a huge park, with slides, swings, hiding places and lots of tunnels going through grass mounds. It’s very much like the place the Teletubbies live, but thankfully no Tinkywinky, Dipsy, Lala or Po! This chaotic landscape means that as soon as one of your children decides to leg it, you really need to think on your feet. “Who is my favourite?”

I usually go with whoever has been best behaved on that particular day. So today, it was looking good for Poppy! Monty has a habit of seeing something cool and going all zombie on us. Today was no exception, although when he went all zombie and headed out of the splash zone, a massive kid wiped him out and gave him a nose bleed. Phew, thanks buddy! It was a blessing in disguise. It saved me twenty minutes of heart palpitations, and excessively sweaty palms.

 

After a good four hours of playing, whooping and legging it into the distance to give mummy a heart attack, the children were lured back to the car with the promise of stopping for a treat on the way home! We were all hot, pink as prawns, and worn out. I had absolutely nothing planned for dinner, a “holiday fridge” (clean and empty), and it was getting dark.  My inner *super parent* took over and I veered into the corner shop car park, hopped out and hunter gathered for my little ones. Two frozen pizzas and a tub of maltezers later and we were set for the night!

The house was chilly when we got in. Not sure why we now find 20 degrees chilly but I can assure you we do. We closed the shutters, put a movie on, and settled in for the night.  Tim poured the red wine, the pizzas were crisping up nicely, and the children were becoming square eyed in front of the TV. I looked round, and thought wow, we are such lucky folk. A roof over our head,  food in the oven, what more do we need!? Maybe to work on our table manners, but hey, we’ve got plenty of time for that! TV dinner at the ready!! *High five!

Pretty perfect bank holiday Monday all in all!

Keep your eyes peeled for the next blog! Wish us luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went to the driving range this morning even though it howling a gale and really chilly. It was that awful drizzly rain where you think you wont get too wet so you don’t put a coat on, but end up going home looking like a well dunked tea bag with a 70’s afro! Lush.

Monty has his own golf club, he loves the driving range and is actually pretty good at whacking a golf ball. He’s pretty good at whacking most things to be fair. His sister, me, his dad, anyone or thing within reach when he is doing his moves, but mainly his sister!

We’re doing that typical parent thing where we make excuses for his wild behaviour. “oh we think he’s going to be a natural when he starts Karate”, “I think its important that he  can stick up for himself” and “he’s very good at tackling, maybe he’ll be a famous rubgy player”. The bottom line is, he is happiest when he is breaking wind, burping or kicking the living daylights out of  someone. This is fine until we have elderly visitors, or we need to go to the library, or sit on an 8 hour flight! Oh gosh, dreadful library memories flooding back.. Rose was not a happy librarian.

Golf was pretty relaxed, we had 100 balls and once they were gone, we were out of there. Its actually a pretty good “family activity” to kill an hour or so. We were all separated by  small walls (yippedeee doo da). The children were too far apart to be able to wipe bogies on each other, and we told them it was a no talking area, so apart from the odd shriek of joy when the ball went further than the end of the mat it was peaceful…. Try it… you’ll thank me I promise. Of course this counts as a “super parent” activity and is definitely worth bringing up in conversation at toddler group when Fanny is talking about taking Delilah to baby yoga.

After golf, we tried to get a few jobs done for our holiday, just the usual last minute things. Buying currency, forking out tonnes of cash on new swimwear for the kids, the essential pharmacy trip because you just know I’m going to end up with some kind of crazy Malaysian diarrhea. These are the sorts of jobs we know we should be doing as a sole parent while the other stays at home watching Paw Patrol with the brats, but as ever, we went in eyes wide open, with two tired, hungry children, who were demanding we go straight to Toys R us. Oh good god! Here goes nothing!

The sliding doors part, people everywhere, children screaming, fathers weeping outside David Jones while mothers relax having full makeovers at the MAC counter, spotty teenage couples draped all over each other looking all loved up, oblivious to what lies in store for them in a few years.

Monty decided to hopscotch round Westfield, screeching if anyone dared step on a “blaaaaack LIIIIINE”. Poppy, as always, walked forwards while looking backwards, and therefore spent most of this joyful experience tripping over, stubbing her toes, or crashing into people, then bursting into tears because “it WAAAAASSSN’T MYYYYY FAUULT”.

A few parents look at us with that “oh we feel your pain” look, and then there’s the others…. The kids all in white, (who the heck lets their kids wear white?) hair beautifully tied back, whispering sweet nothings into each others ears, usually stroking some sort of cuddly kitten toy… Oh you know the ones. The children are  usually called Tarquin and Sapphire. They glare, they gasp, they even mutter about us under their breath! I try to ignore their stress free shopping trip and closely tail the family with the two overweight kids downing energy drinks. They are bound to go nuts in a minute.

We made it! We got our jobs done and we managed to get out of the shopping centre fairly unscathed. Although I have developed a slight twitchy eye. Go figure. We’ve now been at home for an hour or so, the weather is still awful, so we’ve donned our trackies and warm socks. Sydney is not dissimilar to Skegness this afternoon. So much for the endless sunshine Tim promised me.

We flicked through the movies and insisted the children watch ET as its a classic and something they just have to see. This caused huge trauma as they had their hearts set on some weird Christmas Shrek movie. We stood our ground, I smiled across the living room to Tim as he asserted himself, so proud and in love with this hunk of a father before me! “We can do this,” I said in my head, as the children hid behind cushions, weeping because they were scared.We werent going to break. ET is awesome and we had it on…

ET had just about got off the space ship and into the woods and the bloody internet went off and Netflix was no more. Damn it, we were back to bloomin Peppa pig. The children crossed their legs, glanced at each other and I am damn sure I saw a smirk. Bugger it…..

Tomorrows activities include watching ET and possibly a trip to buy some white clothes and a stuffed kitten for the children. I WILL succeed in parenting well.

As I sit in bed, sipping coffee and flipping through Facebook, (the children are plonked in front of the TV SHOCK HORROR) I cant help but feel emotional that its one of the last mornings of the school holidays. Don’t get me wrong, the kids have really got on my nerves this week, arguing, bickering, wiping bogies on each other, you know, the usual stuff, but I really cherish these times, although I am sure I look like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. There’s no pressure to get dressed at the crack of dawn, no school gate politics, we are free to come and go as we please. I love my “holiday handbag” overflowing with extra toys, snotty tissues and squelchy bananas (non organic i may add). I love the long beach days, coming home all sandy and salty, utterly exhausted and wondering how on earth I am going to find the energy to make a nutritious, healthy family meal that we can all enjoy together! Is there such a thing?

There is so much pressure on parents these days that we kind of miss the fun when it comes to parenting. We are bombarded with “helpful advice”, when actually all our children really need is to be happy and feel loved . Does it really matter that I have allowed my babies to eat an non organic apple for their 10am snack and that it was a bit sandy? Does it really matter that they have watched Lego Friends on Netflix for two hours this morning while scoffing  jammy toast? No, it doesn’t! And no I don’t feel guilty! At the end of the day, mothers and fathers need to be told they are doing a good job, rather than made to feel shameful that they served up fish fingers, chips and beans for dinner last night! I mean “who on earth would serve that?”

The truth of the matter is, we all have a pile of laundry sat waiting for someone to organise, we’ve all rushed our kids homework at the breakfast table at least once, and we’ve all given our kids a cup cake for dinner because the salmon fillet was “ugh disgusting mum”. This doesn’t mean we are failures, this doesn’t mean we need helpful advice on nutrition or to be told how important year 3 homework is, we just need a pat on the back and maybe a snap chat of some other mum who is covered in nutella (kitchen staple) and crying into her cold porridge.

No matter how “Facebook perfect” peoples lives look, we’re all in the same boat! We’re all being watched when our children are freaking out in the supermarket and all you can do is ram sweets down their throats to keep the peace, or when your darling son tells an old lady he’s going to “kick her in the butt”. Oh yes, we’re all in the same crazy boat full of nutters, and the last thing we need is “miss snooty pants telling us how “easy” it is to live as she does. Wearing her hand knitted outfits and eating her home baked pastries with her adorable little children enjoying an afternoon of craft! Look, no one ‘likes’ doing craft at home, that’s what toddler groups are for! No one in their right mind enjoys having PVA glue and cotton wool stuck all over their dining room table! I let my children paint….outside, I let them use glitter…. at other peoples houses, and I let them bake….when I am feeling especially patient! No I am not a fun sponge, I’d just rather not have even more chaos, when a scooter ride or a game of hide and seek in the garden gives just as much, if not more, pleasure! I am sure someone somewhere will be thinking “oh but without an hour of craft a day your hampering your child’s development, and they will never be able to create an award winning presentation at Google HQ”. Bite me!

The internet is full of advice on everything from breast feeding to making the perfect kids party, and we’re lucky to have this to hand, but I cant help but wonder what ever happened to asking your mum for advice, or turning to your friends? I am guilty of asking questions on online forums and then feeling like an awful, evil human being when someone tells me they are shocked that I would even put my son on a booster seat, and proceed to tag me in some hideous video of a child being propelled out of the windscreen and across a motorway, to prove their point! Shoot me now! I am not a perfect mother! I am no where near perfect! My children are not perfect, god damn it, no one is perfect, but we have a wonderful life, we have fun, we bicker and we adore each other, warts and all!

So my mission for the next 12 months is to completely ignore all the pop up bits of “parenting advice”; all the cookbooks teaching us how to make a sodding caterpillar out of shepherds pie, and how to “resolve a tantrum without giving in”! ( I mean who does that?) I am going to wing it! I am going to wing the next twelve months! If my children want to sleep in my bed, so be it! If they want to go to the shops in their underwear and slippers I may join them! We will be going on adventures to far flung places, we will be trying new types food, we will be playing, we will be hugging, we will be laughing, we will be doing chores, we will be comforting each other, we will be swimming, we will be doing homework, we will be cooking supper, and we will probably be doing craft at some point!   Not because I am the worlds best mum, or because I want the yummy mummy’s approval, but because I am a mum, and that’s just what mums do!!! (And dads for that matter!)

Oh my goodness! Nearly four months of visitors, and what a crazy four months it was! We are so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family , who are willing to travel all this way to see us and share our adventure! It definitely made our summer the best summer ever! (Poppy’s words not Mine but I totally agree). 

   
I remember people saying ” once you’ve done a summer in Australia, there’s no going back!”. Oh yes I understand now!  Summer is officially over, and I’m eagerly awaiting the next!  The temperature has dropped slightly, and the evenings are dark! Shocker! 

We had endless sunshine! We ate every meal outside, swam in the pool every day, ate ice creams, got through about 8 bottles of sun cream, and thanked our lucky stars that we had made the enormous leap to Oz!  There really is nothing quite like Christmas in the sun with your buddies! And we were so lucky that we had ours to share our prawns with!

    
   

In between games of  “cards against humanity”, BBQ’s and gin fuelled giggles, we managed to trek out West to the Parkes Elvis Festival! (www.parkeselvisfestival.com.au) What a treat!  There was not enough gasp in my body for the sights I was going to see! And that was just our husbands in Hawaiian shirts.

  

  

 As if being “out west” isn’t enough of an eye opener, everyone and their dog was dressed in some kind of Elvis outfit! Even the towns mayor was kitted out, in an open top Cadillac with an Elvis wig and the mayoral chain for good measure! “Elvis” was everywhere! Big ones, little ones, fat ones, thin ones, some incredibly talented ones, some not so much! 

The highlight had to be the Elvis show! Donny Edwards was “Elvis”. He had come all the way from Vegas, (vegas big shot) to this small country town, and the way the ladies screamed when he sang, you would have thought Elvis was alive and well in Parkes!  

 To be fair, he was pretty convincing! I’m (obviously) too young to have ever seen Elvis live, but the Parkes Social Club (exactly like an old British Legion) was alive with screaming Nanas, hollering grandmas, and excessively sweaty 50 somethings! They were clawing at the stage, queuing for a sweat soaked scarf, hundreds of which were being swept across Donnys face and draped round the necks of swooning  Ednas! 

Secretly I wanted to join them but was worried I might get stamped on in the rush! I did however accost the winning “Pricilla” and get a photo! I am convinced she had a welsh accent! And bloody lovely too!  

 
Once the fun had died down, we packed our very sweaty kids into the car, tired, emotional, and now  avid Elvis fans! We drove out a little bit further west to see “The Dish” (read that again in a deep Hollywood movie voice please). This is the 64 meter radio telescope that received the first contact from the moon landings! Pretty awesome stuff.  

http://www.parkes.atnf.csiro.au 
 
I would have liked to have spent more time here but it was 46 degrees and the only shade we could find was under the four sombreros bought from the Elvis merchandise store! In fact it was so hot that there was no sign my darling son had peed in the car park! Evaporated within seconds! I “whooped” with delight, as we had run out of sandwich bags on the way ! #whoneedspublicloos 

So after a glorious summer we eagerly await the next! We have become utter pansies and find 25 degrees chilly enough for bed socks and a cashmere jumper! Maybe we need to move a little further North! 

I’ll be blogging you all from Kuala Lumpur and Cambodia next month, fingers crossed the kids don’t mind eating tarantula donuts or deep fried crickets! 

Onward on our adventure…..  

  

  

Wow it’s the first day of summer! Finally! Our first Aussie summer is here! Everyone has said “just you wait for summer!” Now it’s here and I am delighted!  This also means it’s the 1st of December and the advent calendars were ripped open with great gusto this morning! Ever since 730 when Monty opened door number one, he has been asking “when is it Christmas mummy?” And “I just need to know, when is it actually the real Christmas?” These questions along with “can you just tell me what are MY decorations on the tree” are starting to wear a little thin! Here’s to the next 24 days!

We have been super busy the past few weeks! We have been to pantomime at David Jones department store in the city! It was pretty tame! No saucy Dame, just Ben and Holly and a Thomas the tank engine who had some sort of eye malfunction!

 We have also visited Canberra which was awesome! Someone told Tim it’s a very quiet city! Understatement! Almost like a ghost town! A modern, funky ghost town! It was green, spacious and had a great selection of coffee shops which is always a bonus! We left home at 6am and travelled to Canberra via Goulburn! I am sure there is loads to see and do in Goulburn but in typical tourist fashion, we only stopped to see the Big Merino!

This beast is hollow inside and you can climb to the top and peep out of its eyes! A little odd! The children found the Big Merinos private parts round the back the highlight of the day!

We left the gift shop, via the Sheeps back passage, with about $50 worth of stuff, including a pot of goo (Monty’s choice) which we soon discovered made “fart” noises! Safe to say this was highlight number two! The children in fits of giggles…… silence…..fart noise…..fits of giggles!! To be fair, Tim and I also, childishly giggled our socks off!!

 If anyone is thinking of visiting Canberra, you have to visit the Australian war memorial! http://www.awm.gov.au! The staff are super knowledgeable and helpful, the grounds are beautiful, and there is an awesome exhibit for the children! Tim and I want to visit again so we have more time to visit all the different exhibits, there is so much to see and read about!

We also managed to squeeze in the Telstra Tower (www.telstratower.com.au). It has the most spectacular 360 degree views of Canberra from the top! I would love to insert a family photo here, but the elderly man who was adamant he had taken “quite a few” with our camera, had in fact switched it off! Another good excuse to go back for the week end!

We visited the Australian Mint where the children made their own coins! They were very excited about that!

After the mint, we gave in to Monty’s demands and headed for the dinosaur museum! A cute little cottage full of plastic dinosaurs, fossils, and touchy, feely exhibits. nationaldinosaurmuseum.com.au

It’s not quite the natural history museum but the children liked it, and that’s all that matters!

After a long busy day we headed back to Sydney in search of a watering hole! Fart goo at the ready, we headed into The Surveyor General at Berrima! This pub claims the title of Australia’s oldest continuously licensed Inn. Established 1834, licensed from 1835. A sweet country style pub, that just wasn’t ready for Monty’s goo noises! We downed our wine in between our schoolgirl giggles, and left the diners to enjoy their meals in peace!

It’s now the 16th December! It’s taken me weeks to get this post finished! Poppy’s home from her last day of term, Christmas is around the corner! Tuesday sees the arrival of our dear dear friends and it can’t come soon enough!

It may be a while before I blog again, what with visitors, Christmas partying, childish behaviour etc etc, so, Happy Christmas to you all! I hope you get everything you have wished for! We will be throwing some shrimps on the barbie (honestly) on Christmas Day, thinking fondly of you all at home! We love and miss you!! Xxx